Living with constant suicide thoughts
I've lived with depression and suicide thoughts as long as I can remember
This is a very personal topic and the first time I open up to many aspects of it, but I believe it's an important subject to bring up and share
Remember this is my personal opinion and I'm not a medical profession, so nothing here are medical advice from a profession and just how I've lived with this
I've had suicidal thoughts since elementary school and as I grew older, they've stayed with me. Normally I think about killing myself at least once a day
Self harm
I know many who have resolved to self harm, but many of these cases I have always gotten the impression is more related to attention, than actually deep down wanting to kill oneself. I know many who have made marks on the selves that indicate suicide, but are to shallow to actually be of any danger
I'm not saying all persons performing self harm, just does it for aattention. While it's true for some, others are just building up to the courage to actually do it for real and is an indication for other people to reach out q hand. The person might not want to talk about marks, doesn't mean the person doesn't want to talk with someone. This leads us to one of the common reasons for self harm and suicide, depression
Depression
Depression can have many reasons and where I'm from (Norway), it's very common with depression. As we've long dark winters, with little sun light and little contact with other people. I know depression is very common, but it's also a subject that we rarely talked about as I grew up, other than just being mentioned
I've always felt lonely and even feel lonely, when I'm around other people
When you live as many years with suicide thoughts as I have, some taboo barriers slowly blures. I notice I'm not as fraid of dying and see if as a natural part of life
My biggest fear when it comes to suicide, beside those one leave behind, is failing. I don't want want to survive a failed attempt. In worst case become a vegetable and be an burden to my family
Family man
After becoming a parent and having lovely kids that I'm responsible to take care of. One would hope the suicidal thoughts would go away, but unfortunately I'm still having them near everyday and often more times a day
Of course not every day is the same, so one can have periods with close to non such thoughts and other periods with constantly thoughts like that
No, I do not recommend getting kids as a solution to your depression. Getting kids is many years of responsibility and is not something one should look easy upon
Being a single parent to five wonderful kids and being in full-time work, my days are pretty filled up and I'm often tired. Making me feel bad, because I often feel I don't have enough energy to do everything I wish I could do with the kids. Which makes me sad, when I think of all the wonderful moments I miss playing with my kids, just because I feel to tired
Having kids, doesn't help much on my depression and can at times make it worse. They give my life meaning, but they don't give me a companion
Companion
My love life we can safely say haven't worked out great, I've gotten some wonderful kids out my attempts and that I'll be forever grateful for. Hopefully you'll have more luck than me, as I've found the times I've had the least depression and suicide thoughts. Is when I've been in an healthy loving relationship
A good second to a relationship, is having a pet. I love my dog, who is constantly with me and give me companionship
Someone to relax with and talk with and he's an awesome listener, who rarely interferes when I talk to him
One day at a time
My best advices, is to take a day at a time and find something you're passionate about. I find working and being busy with something helps, so I often work long hours and on projects (such as the site you're reading this on). I love coding and have development education, so it's something I spend many hours on when I'm not working for the company that actually make sure I have money at the end of the day
My third advice, is to talk to someone about your feelings. Talking to family and friends can help, if you manage to open up about your inner feelings that is. I always keep them locked up , which I know is not healthy at the slightest. I've seen more and more people using social media and the internet, as a way to open up (kind of what I'm doing now). I believe it doesn't matter to much how you open up, but the most important is that you actually do. But if you decide to open up online, be ready for some toxic comments, there will always be trolls
I definitely should have talked to someone properly about this at an earlier stage, but I don't like drawing attention to myself. I don't want pity and people thinking differently of me, just because I'm struggling with depression and have suicide thoughts
Why bring this up now?
Holidays is peak season for suicide and it's my way to show you're not alone
First step is to admit to yourself that you have issues, second step is to talk to someone about it
I'm tired of depression and suicide being looked upon as taboo subjects. Many public people have been very open about their mental health in recent years and I'm glad for it. So this is my small contribution helping pushing this movement forward
I don't want attention about myself and I don't want people to feel sorry for me or act differently around me. I want to live in a world where my kids can tell if they have issues, without becoming an outcast or that weird kid. Just be open and honest about their feeling, at the sametime being socially accepted for who they are
Tags: #Mentalhealth #Suicide #Depression
